Happy Birthday to ME

Happy Birthday to the most awesome person .... ME!

Right, I am off to lunch with the family, then off to drink ... its a hard life, but y'know

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all ...
i am getting in early this year, cause i will forget otherwise or not care, depending the amount of vodka ...
soooooooo, may all your santa's be peeping toms, and brings you what you REALLY want - not the crap he got you last year!

The Bucket Suprise

I was cleaning up today, and I came across a lovely surprise. It was a gift to me from me that I had completely forgotten about. It was ‘margarita in a bucket’.

I can’t actually remember when I bought it, though the vague hazy feeling is that I bought it for Christmas last year. I remember making one up to drink for Xmas, so the feeling is I bought two so I would not run out. Anyways, I found it and that put an end to any cleaning that I was going to do. Procrastination in all its fully fledged beauty! Like the time years ago I found drugs under my bed when I was cleaning. End. Of. Cleaning. The next time I attempted the cleaning, I found a half drunk bottle of vodka under the bed. I don’t remember how that got there either. The cleaning was then promptly forgotten again. I was most gleeful the 3rd time I went to clean, cause who knew what the procrastination fairies had left as a surprise. But alas, lightening doesn’t strike in the same place under the bed 3 times, proving thus, that the fairies hate me and refuse to help me wallow in debauchery. Bastards

Spam

both arms have mutinied against mebrutes - tired of being limp?
Pilules of lions stamina with her?

I was looking through my spam folder for stray emails that i haven’t received, and near wet myself laughing at the absurd titles of this spam. These are my 2 favourites of the moment. I must say, the spammers are getting a little inventive with the titles they choose ...

Songs that incite me to Violence

There are certain songs that I cannot listen to ... like

That fuckin punk rocker with flowers in hair piece of crap shite song. I spent a couple of months travelling in Ireland and it was on EVERY fucking radio station over there. I turn on a radio, and it was there. It was like having food poisoning that I couldn’t get rid of. I left to come back home to Australia, and a week later it was playing on the radio stations here. It fuckin followed me home!!! So I was forced to hear it all over again for the next however fuckin long it stayed on the charts here. And I never understood it either and I mean that by never having heard of punks putting flowers in their hair. Safety pins through noses and ears, and Mohawks for hair, but not ever freaking flowers! Who writes this shite? I wanted to shove those fuckin flowers so far down her throat that she would be farting perfume for the next week. *shudder*

Achy breaky heart incited me to violence. It still does. Achy breaky this you cunt! I want to punch you in the head you mullet headed moron.

That fuckin titanic song. I wish to Christ that song would hit an iceberg and lodge itself there so it can be frozen for all of eternity and never defrost! Actually, anything by Celine Dion and Mariah Carey sends me into a rage and makes me want to put my foot through the radio or throw it across a room. Probably best that I stick to my iPod, cos its stuff I like. Mainstream radio sucks dogs’ balls ...

Another I hate is I will always love you sung by Whitney Houston. It sends me into homicidal frenzies. I want to stab sharp things into people to cheer myself up. Why oh why is it a popular song for men to sing to their girlfriends at karaoke? They are usually drunk and their singing sucks. I know that my singing voice is like a bullfrog on heat, but I certainly don’t inflict it on the public. That’s a home job, like masturbation – it’s not polite to do it in public.

Double Choc Chip Mint Frappuccino

A double choc chip mint frappuccino (with whipped cream, thank you very much!) and a resignation letter. Can life get much better than that? Sad fuck that I am, but as I say, it’s the simple pleasures and wants for a girl like me.

Yesterday I handed in my resignation letter for my current job – YEE FUCKIN HA!!! I cannot stop grinning and my cheeks hurt cos of it. I have been doing quite a few little happy dances and skippings all day that my boobs hurt from all that jiggling. My current employers are a pack of cunts and should be burnt at the stake or at the very least, shot by a firing squad (I wanted a French Revolution with effigy burnings and making guillotines fashionable again, but the idea was outvoted) – but do I care? Nope, I am outta there with what little sanity, soul and dreams that I have left. No more Christmas carols, no more arsehole customers bitching. (For fuck sake, it’s not like it’s a fuckin miracle that Christmas is here, it’s on the same date EVERY FUCKIN YEAR! It doesn’t leap out from behind a door and yell “SURPRISE”. The shops have been advertising the freakin fact since September. Fuckheads. Get your act together). After a few years in retail, you really hate Christmas and all it entails – but this year I find myself in a more pleasant mood. Isn’t it amazing what quitting will do for the soul? I no longer want to shoot stereo speakers and people singing carols, I no longer want to stab people for saying ‘now you have a merry Christmas’ after they have yelled at me for the past 5 minutes cos we are sold outta the shite they are after, and I no longer want to stab people for being complete fuckwits. (I still want to do the last part, doesn’t matter what time of the year is). I find myself smiling fondly at small children with their excitement over Christmas and not wishing that Santa will bring them a gimp gag to shut them up. I also find myself going out of my way to find crunchy leaves to jump on instead of avoid people and snarling. My general mood has improved. I am finding that I am no longer wrapping presents haphazardly in brown paper (if I could be arsed to wrap them in the first place) ... well, I still wrap in brown paper, but this year I have stuck pretty bows on! See, it’s the little things that make all the difference. Like quitting a shitty job ...

*note to self – see, Santa doesn’t hate you ... he brought you a new job!

Eric Schweig

I was on my way to work to the other day and got to thinking ... about Eric Schweig. You know the Canadian actor that played Uncas in ‘Last of the Mohicans’. I found him far more attractive than Daniel Day Lewis – those dark eyes that bore into you and knew exactly what dirty thoughts you were having about him. He has these wonderfully expressive dark eyes and a sexy voice to match. I’m telling you, that voice is made for sex lines, its pure porn for the ears! (fuck, I’d pay 20 bucks a minute to listen to that!) Oh yeah, goose bumps when this man speaks with that molten chocolately voice of his and those eyes, god, you could be lost for days looking into them! He was way way hotter than Daniel Day Lewis.

So, I got to thinking about him, and wondered if he was still alive, still hot and most of all, still worthy of all those erotic thoughts that I had about him that involved me, him, chocolate ganache and a waterfall. Or was it a spa?

Anyhow, doing a little googlin brought me up some results. I dunno why I thought he could be dead, it’s just the way my mind ticks when it’s stuck on a bus in peak hour surrounded by dipshits. I probably should check up on Lauren Bacall too.

In any case, he is indeed alive and kicking and very busy in doing his, well, everything! Bloody hell, he’s busier than a hooker on half price night!

When he is not slaving over his art (he hand carves these shit hot traditional Inuit spirit masks and various other bits and pieces - with a chainsaw and knives!), making music (he plays bass, guitar and drums) and acting (Big Eden, the Broken Chain) - he is found working with the disadvantage youth at street level as an active volunteer and speaking to the youth of Aboriginal and Native backgrounds about alcohol abuse, adoption, homelessness and suicide prevention. In 2008 he received an honorary Doctor of Education degree from the Nipissing University for all the work he does with the disadvantaged young of Canada. One wonders if he makes anytime for himself with all the various projects he is involved in!

I tips me hat to you sunshine, you get 10 gold stars and angel wings for each and every thing that you do. And yes, you are still involved in all those erotic thoughts about waterfalls and chocolate. And yes, you are still waaaaaaaaayyy hotter than Daniel Day Lewis.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have a date with the DVD player and an Eric flick.



Eric Schweig then


Eric Schweig now

Insomnia

It’s late at night again, and the insomnia goblin is still fuckin lurking around – the little shite. I would much prefer the sandman, but it appears that he is off god knows where, probably supping on his own wares and shagging the tooth fairy. Bastard.

Vegetarians

Grrrr, if one more person tells me to become vegetarian, I am going to rip their balls off and staple ‘em to a tree as a warning! If god had wanted me to be a vegetarian, he woulda given me buck teeth, big ears and a little pompom tail.

Fact 1 – I like meat.

Fact 2 – I REALLY like meat.

Fact 3 – FUCK OFF!