Farts

Farts are funny. No wait, that’s not true. Farts are hilarious! Gob smackingly hilarious! Just ask any child, man, man child and quite a few women. I am a woman, and find farts extremely funny. I have always wondered if you fart in a jar then put the lid on, does that capture the stink? I have never tried this, just like I have never tried to light my own fart. I have heard about many mishaps that have happened with people lighting their own farts, and a few have landed themselves in the ‘Darwin Awards’. I don’t particularly want to be immortalised in the Darwin awards for doing something stupid. I am immortalised already with my friends for doing dumb and moronic things to myself and including others in the windstorm that is my own stupidity.

Anyways, back to farts. I have a new job (you may recall the post before Christmas last year). I like my new job, I now really enjoy my job. I am a Chef’s assistant, with a big whoop arse kitchen. I can swear, throw things into the sink with a very satisfying clash of metal against metal and yell at people with complete impunity – I can also fart and belch to my hearts’ content. My highlight will be when I can muster a smelly enough fart, and drop that bugger in the cold room. Apparently it holds the stench for longer (something about the cold and water molecules *shrugs* I dunno, cause I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO FART IN THE COLD ROOM YET!). Maybe I am suffering from performance anxiety, like a man who can’t rise to the challenge. GODDAMMIT, I WANT TO FART IN THE COLD ROOM. I want to fart then ask one of the boys to get me such and such from the cold room and have them come out almost asphyxiating and turning green or blue. *sigh* fuck me, farts are funny. A friend’s boyfriend (let’s call him Fart Man) put it into words that are now burnt onto my gray matter. Fart Man said “I want you to enjoy farts as much as I do, cause let’s face it, farts are normal body motions, only louder and funnier”. Right on Fart Man, you rock!

PS – I also like to belch. I really really really like to belch. In fact, I like to belch more that fart. But that’s for another post, another time.
PPS – my dog farts. Loud, audible and incredibly funny. He hates it when I laugh at him. Gets all sulky and bad tempered. I keep telling him, embrace and accept that its funny ... then he tries to bite me.